Friday, 7 September 2007

On......solitude

The relationship ended last night in almost exactly the same manner it had began - haphazardly and with the minimum of fuss. As with any break-up, the dissolution was down to a combination of several minor factors and one or two major ones. The biggie here was the age old adversary of many a relationship - distance. Any healthy relationship is nourished by the banalities of day to day life. It is a paradox but it is the inanity of life that provide the most fertile ground for communication and daily interaction. The bus conductor that was rude to you, the asshole that almost crashed into your car, the weekly shopping list, all are just as important in the health of the relationship as the trip to Dubai, the meeting with the parents and the beauty of your two bodies colliding. We never had a weekly shopping list but we did go to Dubai together.

The euphoria of regaining my independence has quickly given way to a most dreaded foe - solitude. The weekend already seems like a long stretch of emptiness. What do we seek in a partner? Regular sex? Companionship? Good conversation? Someone to witness your life and achievements? Yes, the human in us constantly tries to rebel against our natural solitude. This is evident in the company we keep and the relationships we seek. Yet even amidst the sweetest of relationships or wildest of nights out, we still secretly crave some personal space or our warm, warm bed.


Solitude or the feeling of loneliness is the bitterest pill to swallow.
I believe that this is the hemlock that Socrates partook, the wine that Jesus drank at his last supper- the vinegar on the cross.
It is a heavy burden, loneliness. The whole brunt of the world with its cares is cast on the shoulders of one person- poor Atlas.
It brings with it a sort of heartache that cannot be described in words.
It is this feeling, the feeling that one is separated from life, from love; this is what kills – not death itself.
No, it is this that is capable of killing the spirit of man.
But I have heard it spoken that it can also give him life, freedom.
It leads to loneliness, fear, to grief, to pain, to anger, to hate, to bitterness and all of these roads lead to death.
Solitude is the beginning of death.
Solitude is the first step to heaven.



P.S No be say I want kpeme o!

45 comments:

exschoolnerd said...

ayah...sorry bout ur break-up, u dnt seem to be too upset bout it sha...well u sorta mentioned that in the beginning.I understand that feeling of solitude..its horrid...its sorta like a state of loneliness,lack of love and acceptance mixed with boredom..and then some more loneliness.

dnt worry ul be fine very soon.one fine okpeke will walk ur way and ull forget u ever felt like that.

i hope i am first today sha!!

Temi said...

I understand the feelings of lonliness. I dont quite get what you wrote. I hope you feel better about the beakup.

Nyemoni said...

OI! Another post at last! Off to read!

Nyemoni said...

Solitude can mean many things... try to make it what you want to be...However harsh that may sound, it would be good for you to take this time to speak to your heat...what do you really want? You raised some pertinent questions in your post... try to answer them. That would be the first step towards getting to your desired goal..Good luck!

P.S
I couldn't help but think you don't sound sad at all! Cheers my bro!

Aijay said...

I went "awww"... as I read through this post cos I could feel your sincerity, but when I read the last line "No be say I want kpeme " I smiled.

Break ups are quite difficult to deal with but u no go kpeme, u go dey kampe till u jam ur next chick.

Here's a *hug* from Aijay.
Take care!!

Ejura said...

Na wah oh!From love doctor to philosopher!
Hmmn solitude is the beginning of death and the first step to heaven?
Shebi na u talk am.

ps:
Sorry about the break up. I know u are the love doctor and so it's yr turf but abeg no enter another haphazard one oh! Enter the one where get straight direction. But wait small b4 u start oh.

Jaycee said...

thank goodness u no wan kpeme...

Sorry abt ur break-up. When one door closes, God can open up another one...and u can look at it this way: "everything that happened, happened for a reason..." You went into that relationship for a reason in the first place, so look at the bright side and capture the best moments. Make sure you take some lessons with you...don't leave a relationship empty-handed, God may want you to learn an important thing or two from it.

It's not the end of the road...your BEST DAYS are still ahead...

Love ur blog, and this is just my first read...

Jaja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaja said...

You have all these nuggets of truth in this.

Where did you find this level of detachment to speak of a recent loss like this.
Its stark and incisive,Your view. it isnt clouded by those other unhelpful emotions.

Nevertheless, i m really sorry man. "Everything Good Will Come"

Plus, you na my relationship doctor anyway.. so wetin i wan talk.

and about solitude hmp...

Aloneness, of course which i know is quite different from solitude, should be cherished sometimes.

Zephi said...

sorry about the break up..hope its for the better.
you said something bout distance being a problem and then something about craving personal space.

so distance might not be necessarily a bad thing since you have time for yourself and have personal space?

oh well,maybe I am inferring wrongly

Jaja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaja said...

As per se you be my bros i fit find you number for your area wey u go call, help you warm body small.

Please dont consider my lighthandness about this in bad taste. I realsie how sensitive people out of a relationship can be. And how utterly insensitive I am!

ibiluv said...

u sound like u expected it
u dont sound sad
enjoy single hood
till d next lady drops in ur lap
*wink*

30+ said...

All things are working together for your good. Hold tight

catwalq said...

let her go joo
Now you're all mine. Finally, that okpomoto that baba gave me has worked...
Sweetie, you will find woman in less than 24 hours. Is it not AtutuP? The Capone of macking?
Why are you lonely? If I had found my sheik and he had set me up kampe, I would have flown you to come and chill at my place but since I am presently broke...sorry.
No long thing....

catwalq said...

jaja, u dis agbaya.
Everybody has updated, you will be running around commenting, while your blog is pining from you and suffering intense neglect.
C'mon, Machalout!!!

Waffarian said...

Solitude...I don't know...never been scared of it....the only time I get scared is when I am with someone and then i realise just how much of a loner I can be....now that scares me.

Sorry about the break up, keep your head up.

N.b: thanks for the encouragement.

femme said...

whats happening here?
before i blink new posts with comments!
going to read now

femme said...

u sound too detached.
really okay?

hope you are fine.
go out and do something this weekend.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

E pele oh. Take it easy, bro.

geisha said...

long distance relationships suck.
solitude sux.
loneliness sucks major, huge-sized body parts.

*sigh*

Onome said...

hmm.....very deep. solitude is not an easy thing to live with daily but we pull thru' somehow...take heart and cheer urself up in d best way u can..

Nonesuch said...

Sorry about that. It sjust means the best is still out there waiting for you to find her. so hurry up 'mourn' if you want to and begin the 'hunt' and the 'search'.

UndaCovaSista said...

Sorry to hear about your break up, dude. Hope you're doing ok.

I couldn't help but pick up on:

'The euphoria of regaining my independence has quickly given way to a most dreaded foe - solitude'

Why not try to embrace your newly found solitude and enjoy it while it lasts? If you consider it to be a foe you're more than likely to act impulsively to fill what you now perceive to be a'void' in your life....

vindication through innocence said...

sorry o!!but as the song goes 'dry your eyes mate...i know its hard(dont know the words)...theres plenty more fish in the sea!'

Anonymous said...

"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." --May Sarton

I believe that loneliness can lead to solitude, but not the other way around. Waffarian, I agree with you, there's nothing worst than being amidst people and still feeling lonely. Pearl S. Buck had this to say about loneliness "The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." That's some disturbibng stuff right there.

Enjoy your solitude for now, regroup, rejuvenate and renew.. Find out what you really want and attract it.

I might give you a chance, but it seems like you like doking before paying am for the bride price....:)

chins up bro, and what does Kpeme mean?

Dude I'm still waiting for your follow up on the pursuit of a .... ***ahem*** u know.

'Sewa said...

Eyah ndo.

I feel Waffarian, i'm so used to being alone that the thot of being with someone is sorta scary.

Try to be alone(relationship wise) but not lonely. Its possible.

There are so many fun stuff to do. LOL, i guess some of them are things people who have no life are said to do sha, lol.

Anyways, it is well, you'll be fine, eventually.

LOL@no be say i wan kpeme, i for say...

Afolabi said...

as they say there are more fishes in the sea...lol

Isi said...

hmm... if it was a woman she'd sob all over the article. but a man, he turns into some philosophical poet! i guess u are handling the break up quite well. take am easy o!

catwalq said...

where r u?
u're not respoding to comments.
omo snap out of it!!!
U're being a naughty, naughty, naaaaaauuuuuughty boy....
*sound of my whip*

Atutupoyoyo said...

@ exschoolnerd: Thanks a lot o. That fine opeke go wait small sha. I wan regroup small.

@ Temi: Don't mind me jare. I was just yarning opata. Don't even know what I was trying to say sef. Thanks for the love

@ Nyemoni: Thank you o my sister. I am definitely going to spend some quality downtime for a while. Not sad, more introspective.

@ Aijay: Thanks for that hug. I no go kpeme I go dey kampe. That is my mantra

@ Ejura: Yes O! But as a love doctor I must experience my fair share of break-ups abi? Such is my commitment to the job, I am feeling the pain so all you people don't have to

@ Jaycee: My sister thanks for those words. I never look at any relationship as a waste of time. As you quite rightly say one has to try and reflect and look at how you can use the lessons learned.

@ Jaja: LOL@ relationship doctor. No worry na this one go inspire the pursuit of a pussy as you suggested. Insensitive ke? If you see how my guys been dey abuse me this past few days ehn. Meanwhile how far with those numbers now?

@ Zephi: Well observed. The crux of the problem is the loneliness within a relationship that the distance seemed to create.

@ ibiluv: I did expect it
I am not sad but melancholy.
I will
My lap will be ready

@ 30+: Amen o. All part of the plan innit?

@ Catwalq: U are too much my love. I need some of your feline loving right now o. How much is one way ticket sef? P.S That is my new title o "Capone of Macking"

@ Waffarian: Good to see you back. You have said, far more articulately, the feeling of loneliness within a relationship that I was trying to express.

@ Femme: U know how we men handle breakups now. We appear very detached. Inside it can be a very different story! The weekend went well though. Plenty of family and friends to abuse me. Gotta love em.

@ Solomonsydelle: Thanks my sis.

@ geisha: Long distance is crap innit. Almosrt not worth it. Almost

@ onome: Thanks babe. Here's a smiley :-)

@ nonesuch: The best is definitely still out there.

@ UndaCova: My erstwhile wife thanks o. Very sage advice. I am definitely not rushing into the next relationship that's for sure.

@ Vindi: LOL. Thinking about that song made me smile. Nice one.

@ Anon: Such beautiful and uplifting words and even a proposition of sorts. Yet no name. Why now? The follow-up is coming soon. Kpeme means to die.

@ Sewa: I know what you mean my sis. It is all about balancing the two abi.

@ Afolabi: Amen to that brother!

@ Isi: That is true o. A post is crying out to be written about how men and women deal with breakups. I am just trying to be philosophical about it. It's the only way to learn from a relationship.

@ Cat: LOL. Allow me to reflect small now. Anyway I am back in full effizy. Our love can continue in full bloom now.

Olayinka said...

Now that we have all appeared sold on this breakup story, can you update the next post; in the original sequence as planned.

Sorry to burst your bubble m8, the literary genius in all of us takes over once in a while...and I enjoy yours all the time....

On....Hollywood Does Samething!

Olayinka said...

Now that we have all appeared sold on this breakup story, can you update the next post; in the original sequence as planned.

Sorry to burst your bubble m8, the literary genius in all of us takes over once in a while...and I enjoy yours all the time....

On....Hollywood Does Same thing!..Therefore, no permanent damages caused.

Can we have the next post...

On.....The Pursuit of Pussy, An Atutu's Guide On Caging Cats!

UndaCovaSista said...

What?! WHAT??!! Erstwhile? ERSTWHILE???? When did we divorce?
*jumps up and down and smashes plates*

ozaveshe said...

feel your pain...

these things happen to us at least once in our lifetime but with all ur friends in blogsville, u cant be lonely. just pick any of the regular female bloggers to keep u company. solitude will become a thing of the past. lol

Manda said...

pele o! Guess u've gotten over it. Abeg anymore love tips?

Atutupoyoyo said...

LOL @ Yinkus: Ol boy u dey crase o. I am loving that title I have to say. It will take some beating. I am carefully constructing the next manual as I will have to use it myself in the near future

@ UndaCova: Easy boo. Did u really have to break the good china though? The Tesco Value stuff was right next to it now! Why not smash that one?

@ Double O: Thanks dude. It sounds weird but I have actually found a lot of solace from blogville these past few days. At least one can smile about it.

Atutupoyoyo said...

@ manda: Thanks Manda. More love tips are coming very soon but I have to look after my guys first if you don't mind. Read it though as it always pays to see things from the other side as well

bighead said...

everyone needs alone time to grow. we need to walk through our wilderness to get to our promised land. Enjoy your stroll.

OUI C'EST MOI said...

I really did enjoy this post. i wish to provide you with some grandiose advice. Unfortuantely i feel that anything i am to write would seem almost redundant and rehearsed. So i will bid you strenght. To learn from the old and carry on with the new.

uknaija said...

Solitude can be life- affirming...thank God you no wan kpeme

Naapali said...

Bro, hard to find something that has not been expressed by yourself or the family above.

I can relate to ur expression of the challenge of long distance relationships (London-Honolulu for over two years, in the process helping AT&T and Northwest Airlines reap massive profits). My father's words helped then "to be alone is to be all one with one's self.." And yeah, it took me two years to figure that one out. But like others have said solitude not bad, loneliness bad.

Emz said...
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eccentric nana said...

late as usual but...
solitude is the nectar of individuality.
read that somewhere. hope you can use it.

paznut7 said...

Eh yah, sorry for your loss. I hope this time of reflection enriches you in all the ways you want it to, and that life on the other side has all the intimacy you can stand sha