Thursday, 30 August 2007

On……the pursuit of a penis: An Atutu™ guide to getting the man of your dreams

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of sound mind, must be in want of a good man. I don’t care how indie you are or how career focused your life is, if you are a woman reading this, your entire wellbeing and outlook will be immeasurably bettered by the love of a good man. Note the adjective - good. This is not interchangeable with the word - Any. Many women are unable to distinguish between GOODman and ANYman. Another day I will write about the difference. For today’s lesson this is a step by step guide to finding and keeping that special someone. If you have achieved the finding part you can go straight to Holding on.


This part is called Not Looking

I believe it was the legendary Professor Peller who said “the more you see the less you understand”. The same underlying principle can be applied when seeking a partner. The more you actively seek a man, the greater the likelihood that your pursuit will be a fruitless one.

Some of my female friends are like “Ah Atutu come and find me husband now” I’m like I wasn’t aware you lost one to begin with. Have you checked behind the sofa? Under the stairs nko? So, no, don’t look. Glam up. Watch TV. Blog. Go to school. Go to work. Do everything except be on the lookout and be amazed by unexpected attention you will receive from somewhere. The woman who gets on best with men is the one who knows best how to get on without them.

I’ll tell you two places where you won’t find GOODman – weddings and nightclubs. The kind you will find at the former like to pose like they are all that, the kind you find at the latter just want to gbensh (which is cool if you are looking for ANYman).

This part is called the first date

You need to make a good impression. Smile. Laugh at his useless jokes, even the ones you have heard before. You need your laugh to be a demure one, practice into a Dictaphone if necessary. Watch loads of 50s movies and mimic the way women laughed in them. Save your belly laugh with the pig snort until such a time when you are on more familiar terms. Don’t talk about what you don’t know. Find out his favourite sports team but don’t pretend to support them too.

Under NO circumstances will you open leg at this point.

This part is called being yourself

By now you have passed the initial hurdles and can start to expose yourself a bit more. There is a limit to how much of you a guy really wants to know. Do NOT, as one girl who I had gone out on just two dates with did, come into the bathroom when I’m taking a shower and proceed to start shitting right there and then. I promise you a man can easily go through life without wondering what his wife’s shit smells like. You must retain an air of mystery.

Oh yeah and if you have false teeth, remove them only at night AFTER your bobo has slept. This will form the foundation of a very successful relationship. This will also ensure that he does not freak out and start pouring holy water on you when he sees you minus teeth for the first time.

Sex is permissible at this stage. You must, however, bring your A game and give him something that will make him come back for more. You need to perfect at least one party trick. If you perform this party trick and his toes don’t curl then you have failed miserably. It doesn’t have to be anything freaky; you don’t have to master the Kama sutra. Just being a darn good kisser can be enough. Explore his body and find out, through trial, how he gets his kicks.

This part is called Holding On

You must always try and keep your man guessing. Be unpredictable. Be irrational sometimes. It is a woman’s prerogative. The moment you start becoming over accommodating, over understanding then Mr. Man will start to take the piss. It is our nature. We will stop trying that extra bit harder and making that extra effort. If we forget an anniversary or birthday, you must let us know that it is NOT cool. You don’t have to go all crazy and shit, but be sure to get your point across.

Trust in a relationship is over rated. One can always recognize women who trust their husbands; they look so thoroughly unhappy. I’m not saying you should ransack his pockets every night but a healthy level of suspicion will go far in any relationship.


The final part, and it’s a goodun, is called Happily ever after

The cardinal rule here is the more you seem to obey, the more you rule. Women are fussier than men. They like things the way they like things. Our needs are fairly basic, food, sex and sports. If you try to over assert yourself, we will rebel. Yes, even if there is no worthy cause. We will try to stamp our masculinity all over the relationship and the war of the sexes goes to Def-CON 5. The most successful relationships are the ones where the man is living under the illusion that he is running things. These ingénues make sheep of their men at the same time telling them that they are lions with wills of iron.

Arguments will happen but be fair and attempt to stick to the situ at hand. A lover’s tiff is merely the renewal of love so make sure that insults are never exchanged. The abuses will be harder to shake off in the make up sex that will ensue. Unless, of course, you are into that sort of thing. Which is fine. Really.

Love is the one thing that can be divided endlessly and still not diminish. So remember to save a little bit for yourself. If you don’t get your happily ever after, and not everyone will, it is the small love you reserved for yourself that will allow you to start rebuilding.


All of these nuggets are not worth a damn until you learn how to distinguish your feelings between need, lust, like or love. I will paraphrase Judith Viorist who has provided one of the most succinct explanations I have read.
Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.
And more romantic.
And also more annoyed when he talks with his mouth full.
And you also resent it more when he interrupts you.
And you also respect him less when he shows any weakness.
And furthermore, when you ask him to pick you up at the airport and he tells you he can’t do it because he’s busy, it’s only when you love him that you hate him.

48 comments:

UndaCovaSista said...

Halleluyah! He has updated!!! Fi-irst!!! Haven't read the post yet. I will be back..

Jerusalem said...

Well spoken - like the Yorkshire man you are.

uknaija said...

This is funny but has nuggets of truth as well..

geisha said...
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geisha said...
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geisha said...

u sound like you know what you're talking about.. i agree with the 'not looking' bit, but only for the most part. i'm not however going to go on here about women making themselves approachable and whatnot.
and there are notable chunks missing between 'not looking' and 'the first date'...??

i greatly, and overwhelingly disagree with where u say 'Trust in a relationship is over rated'. trust can never be overrated. in the context of this post however i can see how it tallies with your point.. this must mean that for the most part i disagree...

funny-ish.. lol.

oh,and 'on the pursuit of a penis'... ingenius.

bighead said...

Sounds like plenty of experience spoke. U sure ur not a woman? Release tips for men too. We'll be waiting.

UndaCovaSista said...

A very well considered piece, i must say. I agree with most of what you've said, however,i will not be laughing at anyone's useless jokes. Not unless they have the body and looks of Josh Holloway (aka Sawyer off of Lost), the boyish charm of Bruce Willis, and the wit and intellect of Jeremy Paxman - so there!

Any which way, Dr Phil had better watch his back ....

Paula D. said...

Laugh at his useless jokes, even the ones you have heard before....huh?

You make a few good points in this entry.

Nyemoni said...

Atutu you have made me head over heels in like with you!

LOL...Funny as hell! The part "The woman who gets on best with men is the one who knows best how to get on without them." is too true! On point mate! Go Reds!

יש (Yosh) said...

This IS good! A good mix between getting to the point and maintaining that "light" air...

Aijay said...

Lmao....."On the pursuit of a penis."
Atutu was that the only title you could think of? lol....
Nice post. I agree with most of them.

Labelle said...

hmmmm...don't know whether to agree to all this or not...different strokes for different folks i say...

catwalq said...

1. I have to recall awon boys, that I sent to organise you on account of your lateness in updating.

2. So, you first yapped me on my post before you told me to go ahead? ATUTU!!!!!

3. I agree with you totally except with the laughing on dictaphone bit. I am not watching 50 films to see how caucasian women giggle. Mba. I am dropping my original Catwalq-laugh-punctuated,-if-I-not-too-careful-with-a-snort like it's hot. One time.

4.Here's a hug....

Ejura said...

You starred in the movie HITCH right?
Oh you the one!
Can I have yr autograph?

30+ said...

Introducing Blogville professor of Relationship Honourable Dr Atutupuyoyo.

Very good piece indeed.

1) As for me he ain't getting any until he puts a ring on my finger.
2) Laughing at his jokes: I am with undacova on this he better be smoking hot

Nonesuch said...

Brillant post. you are so on point

vindication through innocence said...

LOL!!this is funny sturves!ok, so lemme get this straight-i should laugh at the guys jokes when mine are by leaps and bounds better, i should then not let him know i have a personality, then i drop it like its hot?then tell him he is a dickhead cos he forgot my bday and at the same time massage his ego but simultaneously be a complete biach!am i on track?lol!!sounds like ur after the heart of a mad woman!

i couldnt agree with you more(with regards to not looking)!!Im on a man detox and all of a sudden its like ive got 'toast me or ill die' on my forehead cos random geezers wan halla!
some babes are sooo bait when they are looking-just posing like an idiot at the bar and then some guy comes along and they start laughin like the guy is Bernie Mac(and we all know 9ja guys are not that funny-lets be real- they are better at posing with their ralph lauren polos and cons/vans)!

oh, and who is this babe that decided to let you know she has bowel movements and a bladder?anyho, we need to name and shame her!!how can she do that?we all know that when you release any form of gas from the nether region, it smells a million times worse in the shower cos of the heat!!-that babe didnt like you men!!-tryna kill you with Weapons of Mass Destruction aka methane!

oh my goodness- i was thinkin about that the other day- differentiating feelings from like and lust!!
All in all, nice work Mr-even though i dont agree with most of this your yarn!

Anonymous said...

Atutu you are out of control man...You had me rolling with this piece. I mean Gbensh??? when was the last time I heard that lingo..

You had some really useful tips on here man my favorite: "The woman who gets on best with men is the one who knows best how to get on without them." If that ain't true I don't know what is.

What message are you giving out that it's okay to dok after the second date? brotha please. You know men don't like loose women. Doking should not take place until after marriage or at least after the traditional marriage if you can't wait.. LOL!

Good post thou .

Jaja said...

Girls who seem not to be looking often seem to have something going on their own lives.... and that alone is a point of attraction.

On the pursuit of a penis.. ha! Not a blatant title at all.. I am expecting the sequel

On.... the pursuit of a Pussy {seriously, i wld have stayed with the VAGINA... but i couldnt resist... the Ps)

Baroque said...

i second Jaja, a sequel On.....the pursuit of a vagina:...good one man, you know what, you're so right...esp about doing that thing that makes our toes curl...ngwa, update!

Carlang said...

lol.
Right...now all i have to do is study this manual of yours and figure out how i can exploit it to my advantage ...
that was the idea wasnt it?

Emz said...

Hehehe, I love it when men write about love/relationships...very Tony Parsons. I'll bear all this in mind...although don't they say that the only rule is that there are no rules? LOL

femme said...

while i agree that men are attracted to the balanced female who looks like she is uninterested,i dont agree with your first date rules.
i mean, if his jokes are not funny, why bother?
laughter and fun are important aspects of any relationship especially if u aim for long term.
rest of it makes sense but no strict rule to when for 'visiting hours'.
interesting read.

sorry for not commenting earlier, came but was busy.
hope u are having a nice weekend

Kafo said...

beautiful ooooooooo

i must say that you are right
when u rn't looking he comes knocking

but what if my biological clock is ticking an' tickin' an tickin

and i almost 35

se i can start looking

lol

i love the holding on part also. u should think about having a column in a women's magazine or something.

Anonymous said...

I thoroughly enjoyed that.. good read!!!
@The woman who gets on best with men is the one who knows best how to get on without them - no truer words have been said
Lmao @ love is d same as like except .... etc etc
Candy

NikkiSab said...

True words!!! I wish more people would realise that wen the time is right tins come to u (Ladies especially). Trust is important in every relationship so it isnt over rated. 1st time here and I'll be back.

Onome said...

fantastic work....i like d part dat says a woman dat bests gets on with guys is one who knows how best to get on without them....dats my saying for today...
thanks atutu....(first time here too)

covertnigerian said...

quite interestin. i agree with you almost entirely

catwalq said...

where r u sef?
u don't respond to my comment, u don't update...what is up
abi u caught my flu?
aaaahhhh

Manda said...

Abeg o Atutu, when did u become our Male Uncle Tonia ehn? Some of dis tips are good o but dont u think it kinda favours guys beta?

Afolabi said...

hmmnnn....

Omosewa said...

Nice write up, i must confess. I agree on not overlaughing, been practicing my sexy laugh actually...hehehe

Zephi said...

well said and delivered...witty too

except somethings were over the to...its not that serious for me to go and learn how to laugh...

then again.. I have a man...I am digging your writing though..

Isi said...

i agree!! men like to sit on the throne even if they know next nothing about the kingdom. i am loving this article...

Atutupoyoyo said...

@ UndaCova: I know from your page that you are loving Josh Holloway. I bet you would even laugh at his knock knock jokes. When we were in the Seychelles I didn't see you shining those pearlies at me once apart from when you were speaking to that dashing young chap at the bar. Hmph!

@ Jerusalem: Aye a Yorkshireman am I. Thanks for reading

@ uknaija: Cheers dude. Waiting on the next travelog.

@ geisha: Yes you are right there are some chunks missing but I decided to edit for the sake of brevity. The trust thing hmmmm…. I will come back to that one

@ bighead: No worry my man the male version is coming very soon.

@ Paula D: Yes just to begin with but if he gets carried away and thinks he is Mike Epps then you have to subtly let him know he ain't THAT funny

@ Nyemoni: The feeling is doubly and trebly reciprocated. Our boys are starting to put some wins together. We thank God o.

@ Yosh: Thanks dude. I couldn't write anything heavy-handed even if I tried.

@ Aijay: Thanks o. U know my mouth is very foul. Besides it was a lovely play on words with "happiness" and "a penis". I could not resist :-)

@ Labelle: Thanks for reading. Most of it is tongue in cheek but there is a lot of truth in there somewhere. Promise.

@ Catwalq: U are a latecomer o. I thought we had an agreement to stalk each other's blogs on the regular. I know say I tay small with the post sha so I no vex. And oh yeah, how I go yap a whole you? U know I'm in full support. I will swallow my jealousy and watch that space with interest.

@ Ejura: That's it. The cover is blown. Now I have to shut down the whole blog. Autographs are 2 grand a pop (3 if you want a pic). Paypal details to follow…… :-)

@ 30+: Thank you for that honorary doctorate o. People in Naija pay good money for that kind of title o. So question about the no sex before marriage thing. Do you not prefer a try before you buy policy? Is physical compatibility not as important for women as men? I'm curious….

@ Nonesuch: Thanks so much for reading. Glad you enjoyed it

@ Vindication through innocence: LOL. You see when you put it like that, it starts to sound very Fatal Attraction doesn't it? The man will be wondering wetin dey do this wan sef? Maybe I am on a mission to convert the world's women into these psycho types. Perhaps that is my hidden agenda. :-)

@ Anonymous: LOL @ "Doking" Now THAT is one I have not heard in a while. The loose women point is an interesting one. The rules are changing all the time. In a recent relationship I was in, I said let me see what it would be like to actually delay the sex part and see what happens. Can you believe the girl started getting all mooody and distant because she thought I didn't like her? Changing times men.

@ Jaja: You said it man. Nothing sexier than a girl who is not looking - at least not obviously so. Part 2 dey come no worry. So many possibilities with that one. I go enlist your experience on that one.

@ Baroque: LOL. I no say na only the toe-curling one you go quote. I dey watch u o.

@ Carlang: LOL. I like the reverse thinking there. Yes I suppose it can work that way as well….. Awaiting feedback

@ Emz: You are so right. There are truisms but very few rules. Once you start following rules then the relationship is already doomed to failure.

@ Femme: Where u been girl? I agree with the laughter and jokes thing but remember that all the nerves you feel on any first date are probably reflected in the guy as well. In a man this manifests itself by trying to over-impress, usually by telling anecdotes, stories, etc. Sometimes it all flows, at other times it is a jumbled mess. The point is to offer some encourgement at first in recognition of this and not to damn him as unfunny and/or boring. Although many guys do turn out to be…..

@ Kafo: Okay here's the deal. I start writing in a women's weekly as soon as I start seeing those musical words of yours in print. Deal? If the biological clock is ticking then of course look away! There is an art in looking but not looking if you know what I mean

@ Candy: I'm really glad you enjoyed it. They are not rules as such just things that make sense when you think about them. Mixed in with some bullshit of course…but that is my way.

@ Nikkisab: You return would be most welcome. Next time we will talk about the trust thing. Thanks for reading

@ Onome; The pleasure, I assure you, is completely mine. Thanks for the kind words and make good your promise. Cheers

@ Covertnigerian: Thanks for taking the time to read. However you don't say the parts you don't agree with.

@ Catwalq: Your germs are like nourishment for my soul. They just can't hold us down.

@ Manda: LOL. Male Uncle Tonia indeed. No be your fault. Some parts of it favours the guy no doubt. But I promise you if you keep GOODman happy then your reward will be manifold. Ask not what your man can do….. Etc, Etc

@ Afolabi: You sound pensive my brother. Speak for you know I value your opinion most highly.

@ Omosewa: Sounds pretty sexy from where I'm sitting…….

@ Zephi: Thanks for reading and the comments. No of course you don't really need to practise your laugh. I happen to think the pitch of a woman's laugh is one of nature's most beautiful sounds.

@ Isi: You are not lying o. Now what is that saying I'm trying to remember, something about a cake and eating it………….

Ekoakete said...

"The most successful relationships are the ones where the man is living under the illusion that he is running things"

Hmnn hmn hmn! Preach owwn brother. I tell this to soo many ladies and they think it's nonsense. You don't always have to be confrontational. Ololufemi just drops "Motigbo" and I know she ain't doing whatever I say... *sigh*

catwalq said...

I love you too much jare.
i am healed...cos u came and checked on me

chicala said...

lolz, on the pursuit of a wetin? too funny!

I agree with evrything else BUT the first date bit. I'm sorry am not into unnecessary laughters o ahn ahn, if i keep laughing at the 'unfunny' jokes, he'll keep on bringing them, which would so bore me out.

chicala said...

Loving ur blog ey, dropping by for the fist time.

catwalq said...

update!update!!update!!!

Jaycee said...

lolll...was so interesting that I read from beginning to the end! Hmmm...nice advice! Though I may differ on some aspects just a teeny lil bit, but overall its an A (dunno why I'm feeling like one grader sha, but this was good). Lol.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol!

fluffycutething said...

i really liked this....

Useful ;)

UnNaked Soul said...

well done son... well done.

Bitchy said...

I have a friend who meets future boyfriends at weddings and church. What do boys that you meet at church want to do, seeing as guys in clubs only want to... what did you call it? Bensh? Gbensh?

I disagree with quite a lot of this, but then I never seem to get through the "Hold On" part, so who am I to talk? Xxxxx

princesa said...

Okay o! I am searching but pretending am not! Atutu this your guidelines better work or else...

ablackjamesbond said...

Great piece!