Wednesday, 2 July 2008

On......the story of Ashewos Anonymous

With varying degrees of disharmony, the six women sat down in a semi-circle in a small conference room at the Eko Le Meridien Hotel. They were assembled for the fourth meeting of Ashewos Anonymous, a support group designed to ‘cure’ nymphomaniacs and other women who were addicted to sex. Since its inaugural meeting, numbers had dropped significantly, with the deserters finding the AA’s twelve step program either too demanding or not demanding enough. For their needs.

Alhaja Silikat, for example, had to stop coming after her husband and erstwhile pimp, Alhaji Mushin, had discovered the existence of these meetings. Alhaji had gone into semi retirement many years ago after becoming partially deaf. He still sold gas cylinders for a living but this was not enough to support a growing family of seven children. It was unfortunate also that his wife’s full time job of selling boli contributed very little to the overall family income. He decided one day that it would be more beneficial for him to become his wife’s agent and began to advertise her sexual services. He charged roughly about 2000 Naira per hour per person. In a good week, Alhaja’s big yansh would bring in about 60000 Naira for the family. It was hardly the kind of income that Alhaji was going to jeopardise and he was livid on hearing of her visits to Ashewos Anonymous. He warned her that she was never to socialise with those harlots, those midnight walkers, those damsels of the night. Alhaja, meek and always subservient, had listened to her husband and put a halt to her AA meetings.

Of the six women that remained, each had a different motive for their continued attendance:

Hepritta Okolie, was the worst kind of ashewo, the unrepentant kind. In truth she only attended these meetings because of the free poff poff and minerals. If there was anything that Hepritta liked more than a big strong John Thomas, it was poff poff. She had recently secured a very lucrative patch on Sanusi Fafunwa and clients were steady. However, even after taking care of rent and tuition fees, buying food was a problem. Yes, she thought, when all these stupid ashewos finished talking opata she was just going to stuff as many poff poffs as she could into her bag before hitting the street. Tchhhhhw. Idiots.

Godwina Iriambong was not really an ashewo at all. She only came for these meetings in a secret bid to learn more about the art of being a successful ashewo in the hope that she too could improve her sex appeal. Sadly for Godwina, God was not in a winning mood on the day that he moulded her. Her teeth were small and sharp like that of a grasscutter and to compound matters she suffered from an inability to close her mouth for longer than one second which meant that her gnashers were always in full view. Her weight had always been a source of great distress. She had recently tried the award winning Akin’s diet which prescribed eating nothing but Banga soup day and night. Poor Godwina was usually so ravenous at night that she had once devoured about 3 kilos of Banga in one sitting. This was not quite what Dr. Akin had in mind. Her facial features may have been acceptable if she had a basic understanding of make-up arrangement. As it was, she had skin the colour of night yet insisted on a lipstick shade that was as red as uncontaminated blood. In addition to her unnecessary rouge and purple eye shadow, this gave her a rather freakish look which was responsible for at least two accidents and one small riot on the Lagos-Ikorodu expressway. Godwina would sit at the meeting nodding furiously at all that was being said, making copious notes along the way. For Godwina, therefore, ashewoism was not a malaise but an aspiration.

Funke Okunrinoletemilorun, founder of this society, was a young lady with genuine sexual neuroses. At the last count she had slept with no less than 127 men, not including the okada driver that would drop her later that evening. She came from a solid background and her parents were of considerable reputation. By the time she was 18 she had slept with all the male members of her household including the washaman that came once a week. At 21 she no longer felt any sensation during sex yet felt the compulsion to continuously seek new partners. At 25, she acknowledged that she had a problem and needed to proactively deal with it. She formed this organisation with the belief that there were other women who shared her predicament and that together they could help each other.

The fourth lady needed little introduction. I am referring of course to Chief (Mrs) Oladunjoye Akinpelu nee Harrison-Thomas, the socialite, the bon vivant, the collector of men, the lover of all things fiscal, and without much doubt the greatest fornicator of all time. She was now on her sixth husband and had amassed a personal wealth of some 1.2 billion Naira through various enterprises and divorce settlements. Her primary source of income remained her very successful brothel franchise which had started out as a modest concern in her boys-quarters in Ilupeju. Over the years it had grown into a national franchise and now boasted no less than 49 depots across the country. There were only four states in Nigeria that she did not have at least one brothel and development plans were already at an advanced stage. She had once bragged that if Mr.Biggs was the biggest franchise in Nigeria, then her brothels were a close second. Chief (Mrs) Akinpelu nee Harrison-Thomas was attending the meeting to make sure that none of her girls were attending. She had personally interviewed each of the 448 ashewos that were under her direct employ and she ran a tight ship. She was nothing if not thorough and did not want any of them to start getting ideas above their station by attending new fangled concepts like Ashewos Anonymous.

Mama Ikpamosa, septuagenarian, wrinkled, toothless and recently widowed was a peculiar attendee. Since Papa Ikpamosa’s death her life was of very little meaning and she had attempted suicide several times. At the fifth attempt she had doused herself in diesel but forgot that she had bought no matches that week and therefore had to curtail that particular effort. As she slept that night, smelling like a Mobil filling station, she had something of an epiphany in which some celestial voice advised her to seek comfort in the company of other women. She decided the next day that she would stop trying to kill herself and try and make some friends instead. Ashewos Anonymous was one of ten groups that encouraged female solidarity in which Mama Ikpamosa had become a card carrying member. Her darling husband, in his infinite wisdom, had always discouraged her from keeping female company, believing women to be the product of Satan and only good for their superior culinary ability and reproductive organs. For the first time in her life she was interacting regularly with other women and loving every second.

The last woman in this motley crew was Doorshima Mbanengen, the poor unfortunate who was the victim of a generational curse that compelled her to have sex with any man who asked her. Her grandmother had once angered the Mammy water by boasting that she was of the very strong conviction that she was the most beautiful woman in all of Tiv land. The Mammy water had overheard her and placed a curse on Doorshima’s grandmother and all her future offspring. The curse was, for a woman, the worst of all curses - constant consent. She and her future generation were unable to say no to any advances made by a male. Doorshima’s own mother had died in childbirth and was not able to advise her daughter of the terrible hex that was to walk with her for all her living days. Doorshima had grown up unaware of this curse until she began secondary school and word got around that she was a “girl of loose morals and even looser pant”. Her compulsion disgusted her and she tried everything to rid herself of it, including joining The Sacred Church of Indigo and Lavender in the belief that hers was a spiritual problem. She left the church after the priest discovered her little problem and used it to his advantage, repeatedly. She sought out this group as a means to purge herself and try and understand more about her inabilities to turn men down.

The six women would talk of their exploits, real and imagined, with a candour and openness that would embarrass a market woman. Over time, they all started to look forward to these meetings and although numbers fluctuated, the six remained constant attendees. They did not really socialise outside of the sessions but a great affinity developed between the six of them, and it was truly remarkable to see them helping and encouraging one another, reclaiming the word ashewo in the process to become a term of endearment.

In a country where instances of female solidarity are as rare as blue gold, it was Ashewos Anonymous that brought these women together with a (dis)united purpose. It makes it incredibly sad that Funke, the founder and chairwoman, died less than a year after the inaugural meeting from an AIDS related illness. The women still met once a year in her honour and today, in Onikan, there is even a small memorial stone with the inscription – Remembering Funke, the greatest ashewo that ever lived.

72 comments:

omidanbellafricaine said...

Oh my gosh am I first? Yay! I am

Oh wow I dont even know what to make of this i shall go think about it....

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

lmao lmao...

a2a2 how do you sit down and think up thing like this..your imaginaion is quite wild...

whats funnier is the seriousness in which you write the hilarity..

i can imagine you with a straight face narrating this story while everyone is falling out with laughter

UndaCovaSista said...

Several gems in there as usual. Too many to mention individually! Nice one, luv.

LMAO @ 'Akin's diet'

Shubby Doo said...

lol@ 2000 Naira per hour per person… hmmm…is that the going rate these days?

lol@ secret bid to learn more about the art of being a successful ashewo

LMAO@ The Sacred Church of Indigo and Lavender

The one that really struck a cord was “in a country where instances of female solidarity are as rare as blue gold”…how sad that that can be so true.

Well done atutu. Nice!

Shubby Doo said...

i just looked at your label and realised I forgot to say "STORY"…lol

30+ said...

I just can not but wonder how you dream this sturves up.

The Septuganist also amongs the AA, Alhaji Mushin, 127 men not including the okada driver she will sleep later in the night - lol

Free-flowing Florida said...

this is terrific, man. it's a great read! 4rm start 2 finish.

Jaycee said...

Oh Atutu...atutuuuuu...let me breathe in, breathe out first...ok, I'm ready to read...

wonderful writer!

Flowers and Poetry said...

Pure comedy! I'm still laughing, 'Free poff poff and minerals" LOL

onydchic said...

HI. LAR. IOUS.

Friggin' good.

Emz said...

LMAO! Atutu, I'm at work trying to keep a straight face. How do you come up with these things...? I love it!

Mommy said...

Only you A22...only you. Where do you cook up such names from? (lol)

Allied said...

OMG!!

Atutu, truly, I am your female alter ego. I am actually writing a story on ashewos but minus the comedy

This is genius writing with a heavy dose of comedy. I particularly like the name you gave to the owner "Funke Okunrinoletemilorun". Ha, don’t her parents know there is more to a name? Of course she had to live up to it.

And it is women like Chief (Mrs.) Oladunjoye Akinpelu nee Harrison-Thomas that ask people "do you know who i am"

Yes we do - ashewo ten kobo. Why can't you be just Mrs. Akinpelu...? But no, she had to put in the title her name, her husband's name, her late husband name and her fathers name...

OluwaDee said...

Atutu, ur imagination is beyond me.

9cly written.

Naapali said...

- doesn't a little bit of Funke live on in all of us, urging us on to say no to no?

- it is only fitting and I am sure very deliberate on your part that the worst kind of Ashewo would be Henrietta Okolie or HO. And that her last name in one language could be interpreted in another as turgid phallus.

UndaCovaSista said...

@Naapali - Gosh you're good!

Reespeck, Atutu...you slipped that one by me ni sha
I humbly relinquish my position of Chief Code Breaker :(

Afrobabe said...

lmao...I juts had to drop this comment after reading about Poor Godwina devoring 3 kilos of Akin's diet...lmao....kai...abeg oh...hahahhahahahah

Afrobabe said...

hahhahahhahahaha

Mama Ikpamosa slept smelling like mobil filling station..


chai, by the time I finish this post i would have commented a 100 times oh...thx God I read it from home...

Afrobabe said...

come wettin dey worry you..

why u add Doorshima??? u want curse our people join??? I better not see any Ene here oh...mchhheeeew

bumight said...

lol! this is quite hilarious, especially with the "seriousness" that it was written.

you still need to elaborate on the twelve step program!

Ekoakete said...

Hehehe... I'm speechless!

TheAfroBeat said...

Oh my word!! I had such unadulterated FUN reading this short story (and hopefully intro into a longer tale to follow) of yours. The names are hilarious for starters, other highlights for me were:

"she only attended these meetings because of the free poff poff and minerals. If there was anything that Hepritta liked more than a big strong John Thomas, it was poff poff. "

"tchhhhhw" - i'm so going to use this from now on...sounds so much closer to the real thing than my "scheeuw"...

Akin's diet of banga soup...just classic!!

Thanks for this! Really made my day...(tells you the sort of day I've had!). How have you been o? When are you going to publish a collection of your top stories? would make for an entertaining read!

maithumbi said...

First of all, facts are sacred. The going rate is not 2000 pali. How di i know? Lef matter.

Secondly, it is a laudable idea that women are now getting together to foster progress and mutual well being. Just last week, they launched better life for professional women (and female senators) . The importance should not be under estimated in this nascent democrazy...

kulutempa said...

lol...you are very stupid - perfect tale to start off my morning.

Fo said...

LOL!!!! nice one!!!

meanwhile would love ya vote
http://www.blogvilleidol08.blogspot.com/
and if i suck, pls feel free still vote :D

xx

rethots said...

"...in a secret bid to learn more about the art of being a successful ashewo..." It really matters not the reason 'it' was set-up, people will support (& encourage) 'it' for their own reasons (which differs). Such is the beauty (oops, varities of thots & actions) of life.

Very nicely written, Atutu.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

~Your mind must be one busy place! How you come up with these things beats me!
~I was hooked once I saw the title-'Ashewo's Anonymous'.
~Lol @ Akin's diet! Dr.Atkins needs to hear about that one.
~What I love is, just as the story is about to get a little tear-jerking, you throw in some humor or sarcasm: For instance, at the end where you mentioned Funke's death from AIDS..just as some strings were pulling at my heart-you threw in the part of her tombstone reading ''to the greatest ashewo ever lived''-and I was back to laughing again! Thats what makes a great story-the ability to be serious yet subtle..and informative yet entertaining.
Keep em coming...

KemiMamaLopes said...

Hmm. Atutu, I like puff puff and was just lamenting that I had eaten too much of it. I am also on the low carb diet but do not eat Banga soup.

Ms Sula said...

Funny at its best i.e understated! You're quite brilliant.

But really elaborate on the 12-step program though, you never know who you might help...

"To the greatest ashewos still living..."

Lol!

Jaja said...

Guy your mumu don rippen.

This is just delicious. There are all these delightful description that you deliver.

guerreiranigeriana said...

...what a piece!...i laughed all the way through...your mind is amazing indeed!!!...

rohit said...

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

you are fantastic!!!

a kiss for you, my dear friend!

god bless u dear

can we exchange our link

r u ready to do?


hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

você é fantástico!

um beijo para você, meu caro amigo!

Deus te abençoe u Caro

podemos trocar os nossos link

r u disposta a fazer?

theicequeen said...

aww, c why i lurv a22? dude is funnee in ways you cant begin to understand!..the greatest ashewo tht ever lived? LOL!../ther are a couple more that made me laugh ehn..lemme statr

LOL@.Heprietta that came for free puff puff and mineral...she needs to go to awuf anonymous!!

lipsitck like uncontaminated blood..LOL (just ingenious!!)

went to sleep smellin like mobil fillin station...ROTFLMAO!!!!

..wiv candour and openess that will embarass a market woman..(i totally have to tiff this expression!!

mehn, fanxx, i had a good laugh...lovely post!!

'dara said...

absolutely brilliant!!!
Had me in stitches (of laughter) throughout.
absolute genius, this is.

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

blogville idol tomorrow. vote lighty. whether or not a av a good voice. plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

BlogVille Idol said...

RUN RUN OVER TO BLOGVILLE IDOL PAGE THE CONTESTANTS HAVE THEIR 1st SONGS UP SO PLEASE LISTEN AND VOTE FOR YUR FAVORITE AND PLS LEAVE US A KIND COMMENT!

isha said...

LMAO! Very hilarious.

BlogVille Idol said...

the contestants have their songs up on blogville idol page ..pls run over there to listen to then and pls vote

naijalines said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
naijalines said...

Lol @ Icequeen's awuf anonymous.

Hilarious piece. Thought the tone was slightly misogynistic. Was that deliberate? Though it does make sense if writing from the perspective of a typical naija male.

Bunmmy said...

men!!ur language never ceases to amaze me u write so effortlessly and with subdued humour (sarcasm). good one

ablackjamesbond said...

lol @ smellin' like a mobil filling station...

Bros...am wondering how u take know the going rate?

Sasuke said...

first time here

nice write up.

heard about you from fellow bloggers and just thot ild check you out.impressed i must say.

wld be dropping by more often

Mz. Dee said...

first time here!
Wonderful writeup.
Ure remarkably talented.
Make i go add u to my blogroll.

Waffarian said...

Bros...I know say you only like my criticism...infact, anytime wey I praise you, na curse you dey curse me...so here it is:

Work on the last paragraph, abeg. I am sensing a bit of impatience at the very end.

Tamsk you.

omidanbellafricaine said...

Well since Ms. Waffarian has led the criticism I would like to add mine.

I actually did not like it hence the evasive comment at first. I thought maybe I was missing the bigger picture here maybe AA was a metaphor for something else but I could not think of any appropriate analogy

1) The reasons for the ladies being ashewo were kinda cliche. Nymphomania, Low Self Esteem, Loneliness, Over bearing abusive pimp/husband? Thankfully you did not add the prostitute with the heart of gold or woman trying to support her children/ pay for school bit.
2) Chief Mrs Oladunjoye had the only inventive reason for being part of AA
3) The joke about God not being in a winning mood when he created Godwinna was too obvious, kinda fell flat
4) The epitaph on Funke's grave could have been more clever

Overall it just lacked your usual ingenuity.

africa entertainment and sports said...

Ol' boy,you understand these issue very well o.I won't mind a Part 2 !!!

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

atutu, not reading ur blog, shuld be the greatest of all crimes.


lol. goodness me. answer me this question wot influenced ur writing this???

even though i know this is all imaginary, i find myself believing in it. thinking it is true, considering even googling it.

*shaking my head* there is something about the way u write, it is made believe*

fantastic read.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

what were you 'doing' when you thought up this story? what were you drinking or smoking? Come on tell us all the inspiration.

=)

Hope all is well.

fantasy queen said...

LMAO! ...akins diet indeed.
maybe i should try that out, might work better than atkins.

nice one. AA, now thats a thought.

Anonymous said...

very tastefully done without overbearing. funny without trying. ingenious without baggage. well done bro.

Catwalq said...

Only you will come up with such names....

I felt a tinge of sadness as I went through the story, maybe because I feel as if in some way, there is the underlying message that women cannot discuss sexuality or enjoy it unless there is some pervasiveness to it...I could be wrong...
That is my own two kobo...

But lovely. My fave part was the Eau de Mobil

Jaguda said...

very tastefully done without overbearing. funny without trying. ingenious without baggage. well done bro.nice one

Kafo said...

WHAT

i love it

you have to have like a part two
this is like the intro

two thumbs wayyyyyyyyyyyy up

guerreiranigeriana said...

...omo, come and update!!...and i never heard again regarding the newspaper thing...email me...whatever the outcome...

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

oh come on tutz am itching 2 read sumn from u.

Allied said...

Haba!! update now

Naija Sutra said...

ohmigosh, u are so hilarious, i can believe how many times ive rolled on my floor, ive practically mopped it. you are good, dude.

Bitchy said...

a “girl of loose morals and even looser pant”?

LOL!

Hope you've been well all this while Toots?

Xxx

NaijaBabe said...

Your imagination is far beyond normal...this is nice

Nigerican said...

Bravo!!! First time on your blog, i've read a couple of post and i will be ack for more... excellent story telling... BRAVO!!!!

Mogaji said...

I miss you

Carlang said...

Unsurprisingly Masterful..

geishasong said...

hey- geisha's moved!
click to find me :)

Woomie O! said...

Are you serious???
'I'thought 'I' was crazy!?
I'm happy...i'm ok afterall.

Nice blog...first time here bdw.

The Castle of the Writer said...

Hey, hey. What's happening with you? I sent you a mail long ago. And Jude will soon be in London. Is it possible to get your mobile number?

Onyeka

/Kæra:ƒi/ said...

Bravo!
Brilliant!!!

Nola said...

As you already know....I love this read!

Anonymous said...

i love it,nice creative ability,dis is my first time here and am afraid i might be addicted to ur blog!lollove d names u gave d characters

Brigitte S. Tilley-Gyado said...

Lovely as always hermano xxxxxx

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