Friday, 7 December 2007

On......the search for my biological mother


I feel sorry for adoptive parents sometimes. They spend a lifetime investing financially and emotionally in the well being of a child only to one day hear the words "I wonder what my biological mother looks like". What drives this curiosity that makes an adopted child, such as myself, want to seek out a complete stranger? I find myself, with increasing regularity, thinking about my birth mother. I want her to hold me and to tell me that she loves me. I want to see her cry and regret ever putting me up for adoption. I want to know why she gave up on me when all I ever wanted was her love. I want to know why she failed me.


My adoptive mother has not been particularly unkind to me nor has she violated me in any way. Quite the contrary in fact, she welcomed me with open arms into her home even though she had other children to attend to. I suppose I am just growing older and starting to see things with the eyes of an adult. It is very clear to me now, for example, that she loves her own children a bit more than she loves me. She will never openly admit this of course but she treats them with just enough more favour that I cannot fail to notice.


The dilemma of the adopted child is a complex one. On the one hand you are thankful for the safe environment that your adoptive mother has created and nurtured you in. You are grateful for the opportunities she has given you. You are beholden to them for things that every child should have. Security. A sound education. On the other hand you can't help wondering if your biological mother could have and perhaps should have tried to provide all these things for you as well.


I still remember what my biological mother looks life. To this day she remains the most beautiful woman I have seen. She had beautiful brown skin the colour of earth. Her eyes were luminous and always filled me with hope and optimism. Her voice was like the sound of Benue night, rich and magical. This is how I remember her.


I have found her. My search was not long. She remains where she always was, steadfast and resolute. She is dying though. She needs a series of operations to make her well again. She needs my help. Not just my financial help. She needs my presence. In my mind I can hear her calling for me. I miss my mama. Although she gave me up at the age of 16, I now feel the overwhelming urge to return to her side. I want for us to rediscover each other. I want her to be proud of the man that I have become. I wish to gaze into her eyes again and feel that hope that I once felt.


If you see Mama before me tell her that I am coming. Her name is Nigeria. England will miss me but she will understand.


If you see my mama, Hosanna

Tell am say o, Hosanna

I dey for Jand o, Hosanna

I dey come my village, Hosanna

64 comments:

Lola Shoneyin said...

Ha! You had me going for a minute! But that's only because I encounter these sorts of stories every day: real life sons and daughters pining for their biological parents. I don't say this to these seemingly 'incomplete' children, but I'll say it to you: Your true 'mother' isn't necessarily the woman who yelled and yelled while ejecting you in hospital. You'll find that the woman who has been there for you in your time of need and truly contributed to the person you are is more deserving of that glorious title.

And you must stop imagining that there's competition between you and your adoptive mother's biological children. They too, at some point, have wrapped their lips around your other mother's nipple. Get what you can and soar!
I often hear that call myself, in the dead of the night, just before a dream takes me. But I always remind myself that Mama is not really sick. And even if she is, perhaps giving up a vice or two would heal her. How much can one teeny weeny doctor do, eh?

I left you a message on BITC, the same day you left one for me.
LS

30+ said...

Nice One

I am afraid my mother did not really give me up. I left her because she betrayed me. I no longer felt safe with her and what she had become. If I stayed a bit longer with her, I did not trust that I will not be lured to her ways.

I see her now and then but we have a love hate relationship. When I am bold and equipped enough I plan to return once and for all. Then I will speak and she must hold her peace, for all this while I allowed her say all she wanted while I looked on as the outcast.

Till then I remain committed to my adopted mother.

Jaycee said...

Lollll...I was really thinking u were being real about being adopted!!!

Wow, I will tell mama what u said because I'm seeing her soon! She shd be able to battle with death and come out alife. Mama is stronger than we all think, and she's rising up again.

UndaCovaSista said...

That was so touching....yes, until i realised you were yanking my chain!
Nice analogy, though. I think i'm more like a test tube baby with no real roots anywhere. Sad...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

That was well written as usual. Well, let us all hope that "mama" will get the healing she needs. Hopefully we can find the cure for her...

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

I left "mother" because I realised very early on that she was ill equipped to raise a woman like me. Try as she might, I would have ended up just like any one of her many daughters, simply surviving.

As for adoption: every woman can be a mother, it takes alot to be a mom. I plan to adopt. I plan to give that child my all. That I hope is enough for the child never to wonder. if there is a need, then I will help the child reconnect whilst praying fervently that my baby comes back to me.

Bitchy said...

You annoy me Tuts! I came here time and time again several weeks ago, there was nothing new, and now I find there are THREE new posts to read?

Crap!

I am no longer considering you for the position of solitary nose hair. And by the way, I'm GLAD you said "singular" or "solitary" or whatever it was you said - a lady like me would never take kindly to the notion of hairy nostrils! Xxx

Bitchy said...

Lol!!

Onome said...

for a moment i thot u were adopted!!! i was about to start whimpering!! i'll tell ur mama u're coming home...maybe ur presence will contribute to her healing.....

little miss me said...

for a second there i thought you were really adopted,was waiting for the full gist on how your mother met your father and they were young and inlove blah blah..i enjoy ur writing.

Nonesuch said...

I love the way you write. I was actually going to do a post on adoption. I know people who have adopted, i'm encouraging some folks close to me to adopt and i'm thinking of adopting myself inthe not too distant future. Your post has raised a lots of food for thot about adoption.

I think you should seek your biological mother. i hope she will accept you with loving arms. Never also forget what your adoptive mother had to sacrifice to nurture and love you when your biological mother 'wasnt there or couldnt be there' for whatever reason.

Love the post. very brillant.

Jaja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaja said...

I have stayed with Mama from since...not out of loyalty or anything,, but because that was just the way it was..

sitting and wondering how it may have turned out in another kitchen is the sort of luxury that only those who sit in padded couches can afford...
{why am I even getting like this?}

I may not fully understand the complex dilemma of the adopted child as you put it... but I do realise his privileges... his biological brothers are always bragging about him... reserving the best sit about for him... should he consider returning.. "ah ah.. Atus my brother? yes the one that one the Booker award. He s from Buguma. He s my brother"

The adopoted child is versatile.. is experienced... has lived between worlds.. he is usually a good judge.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that this post has a tone of lonesomeness to it. It wants to make me think.. and you already know how I hate to think...

I have sent messages down the River Benue to Mother.... I still hope to have have those little chit chats under those magical skies...Dont come back and snob me.. Even children who no one would adopt can learn how to make tea. And eat them in biscuits in nice saucers..

Positive girl said...

LMAO...Gosh I totally believed you were adopted and was almost looking for her for u oh...

Nice post..

bumight said...

you had me going there for a min! Very nice one! don't worry, I'll be seeing ur mama in a few days!!! *happy sigh*

Belle said...

you got me...

teediva said...

i actually bellieved everything about the adoption. believe me u had me until the last line...

Nyemoni said...

Oh!You had me there for a long minute....very nice post Atutu! A+ on this one...

fantasy queen said...

such a spin in the tale, was almost going *sob sob* for u.

i've refused to leave my mother, time and time again, i've been dropped in fosterhomes but i just keep running back to mama, not because i'm better off with her, but because i know she needs me to make herself better, she needs me to love her despite herself, and maybe when she sees how much i've slaved for her...well maybe...it'd be better.

Zephi said...

ahh, atitu you have come again, I was getting all emotional and infact was bout to recommend a movie I just watched that parallels your search, until I saw Nigeria..and I started laughing. So does mean you are relocating to nigeria?

Queen of My Castle said...

I was on the brink of tears, until...You are a wonderful writer.

Allied said...

Wow you got me.

Mama didnt care enough but she equip me with the tools for survival in my fosterhome.

Waffarian said...

Why are you crying for that woman? She is not ill I tell you! I have seen it with my own eyes...she wakes up from time to time when no one is looking, she crawls out of her dying bed and dances to the music of Fela...I heard she is possessed with demons of the very worst kind...but listen...I have a cain, we shall flog them out of her! Hush, dear child, mama is sleeping but for a while.....

Onome said...

@jaja: er....tryin' to understand ur comment
@waffarian: word bro...or sis(whichever)

princesa said...

Hey dude, hope you are good.
I loveeeeeeeeeee this post!

Me i dey with Mama o! No be say we love each other too much sha, na condition make crayfish bend.
Abeg helep me ask that ur foster mama whether she still want to adopt pikin, i dey ready o!LOL!!!

Arewa said...

I was begining to think that u were refering to urself as being adopted in real life....very well written.u r talented. stay blessed.

Anonymous said...

ur very own wendy eh!I didnt have to read it to know

Anonymous said...

No offence but Onome is not ready for Jaja's comment,it needs to be read again, as for Waffarian...fabulous way with words, collectively... fantastic analogies from all three! Metaphors, similies, cultural diktat... fantastic write-up.

little miss me said...

i liked jaja and waffarians comments..looking at it from another eye..who is better off,the adopted child,or the child who stays with mother,feels her pain,wipes her tears,who gets kudos in the end,the loyal child or the one who looks back and wonders what has become of his biological mother?

Isi said...

i love waffarian's comment. some of mama's children are evil, and they have caused sorrow and pain to others.

N.I.M.M.O said...

Mama is alive and well.....

cally-waffybabe said...

LOL i've really missed your blog atuts. This was what you did to me the first time i read your blog with that your space shuttle post. I was really reading expectantly to see how Beyonce et al's experience aboard would be...LMAO.

Neways, here's wishing you a lovely xmas and new year in advance dude. I hope you have a swell time and may all your dreams be fulfilled.

Hugs
xxx

desperate lady said...

looooooooool u got me. I was already feeling bad for you until i saw the end. since i won't be seeing mama before you do. help me ask her what's popping when u see her.

Misan said...

Well written! Mama isn't dying, she's just seriously ill and needs that operation yesterday. But it's on the way, we just sent it by Nigerian post, so will take a while ;)

Afolabi said...

WOW...U seriously had me going...I guess we're sort of in the same situation, since I left mama, for better milk (education) with my adopted mother.Anyway, I'm hoping mama's mammary glands start brewing nourishing milk soon.

Afrobabe said...

You got me alright...hook sink and something (cant remeber the last part)...hmmm, this one wey you mention benue....anything we can do for u????

Naapali said...

Update Police, so this is a case of let he who is without sin chop the first bread, or som'ing like that. Anyways I have responded to your not too subtle threats of GBH.

Isi said...

hi!

femme said...

you are not serious o, after wasting all my pity on u-not becos u were adopted but because she loved hers more than she did u.

sorry eh, but wht are u doing to take care of your mum?

For the love of me said...

You got me there. I have been with my birth mother all my life and can't imagine life without her, everything I am, I owe it to Mama. Despite her grave illness, the withccraft worrying her,those terrible leaders who have tried to strip her of all her natural endowments, she still held me close to her bosom and gave me the very best she could under the circumstances. I need her and she needs me, together we are unstoppable. Nigeria will rise again, I know it.

Ms. emmotions said...

gosh ! u got my pity for a while u know?, well written, concise and full of humour.

UnNaked Soul said...

you be yeye fowl oh.
nice one brov.
*clap* *clap* *clap*

Anonymous said...

Try update this your blog..
abeg

Jaja

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Unculu Atutu...Keresimesi, odun de...

Merry Xmas

Positive girl said...

Merry christmas.

Arewa said...

just stopping by to wish u a Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year .....May God Almighty grant all ur wishes for the comming year... Thanks for all the love and support... nuff love x x x

curvyice said...

i will return to mama, but i understand that been adopted sometimes has its perks. it has made me stronger and more responsible. cos mam would take lots of crap form me, but my adopted mother is as straight as a line.And yes i see her treat her biological kids a lil better than myself, but i intend to proove myself, that i deserve better and i know at the tale end, i would come out better but to my adopted motehr and definitely to my biological mother.
nice post dude, u always deliver.

exschoolnerd said...

Seasons greetings sweets...been a while.hope u are good.

fantasy queen said...

merry christmas!!! hope ur foster home gave u a nice one! and have a happy new year

femme said...

oi atutu-
voce esta bem?
just saying hi and hoping u habve a wonderful new year.

Isi said...

happy holidays atu!

Doja said...

Oh my God!It must be all that crude oil gushing from her stomach that has made her ill.

flown said...

now that you have listened to everyones comments, if you were really adopted what will you do, i am curious,my opinion flags high on care of the child.if your biological other left you for any reason she must have known the consequences. if she did it once she can do it again given thesame condition. really think all those thinking of adoption should be sure of link with biological parents. happy new year anyway, and wonderful piece of writing,cheers

diary of a G said...

great read

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

we are in 2008 o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UndaCovaSista said...

Tardy, says the Phantom Blogger?!!!(lol). Just stopping by to wish you a happy, prosperous and exciting new year!...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Uncle Atutu, Happy New Yam oh! How many times do I have to beg you to update?

Even if it is one line, nah! Anyway, thanks for stopping by, my broda. God's blessings on you and yours.

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יש (Yosh) said...

interesting...deep~!

Anonymous said...

...it is far beyond from those who can ever imagined how a biological mother would intentionally hurt / torture / abuse her own kid for no reason....if it is the adoption mother, there still at least a hope.....

Anonymous said...

This is the best thing i have read in a long long time.
boy r u talented...pls can i share this with my friends???
:)

Anonymous said...

Atutu you de craze!!! I beg update now.

Therapy said...

Wow you got me! This post was really well written I love it.

MsBee said...

this is the best post I have read all year ...And the comments are something else
Nice one bro