Sunday, 29 July 2007 film noir beginnings and how I became Atutu

The rain fell hard and the drops felt like lead. It was one of those kinda nights that all you needed was a quarter glass of whiskey and the love of a good woman. The first part was easy enough to obtain so I waded across to the liquor store on 27th and Poplar. I had just wrapped a case involving a well-known actress and her fiance. I'm getting sick to the stomach with them type of cases. Man suspects broad, I tail broad and take a few pictures, things get ugly I grab my swag and bail. 99% of the time the broad IS fucking around which makes my job an easy one.

I approach the liquor store and, even in the monsoon, my car is advanced by two street dames as I pull up. One of them has a face like a bag of smashed crabs so I tell her to hightail it and start negotiations with the cuter one. She looks like a mermaid standing there in that rain. She has red hair down to the back of her shoulders and the lightning reveals a blowjob friendly mouth. We fix a price and I tell her to wait in the car as I get the booze. Could I get her some she says. The nerve of it I think. The rain had eased up some as I make my way into the liquor store. The place is filled with all kinds of filth and lowlife so I quickly grab the liquor and head back to the car. I ain't big on the ol' small talk so the ride back to my apartment is a long and solemn one. As soon as we gets there she asks for a towel to dry her hair. Now I'm not about to share towels with no hooker so I oblige her with the dirty one I use for the bathroom floor.

We get to it and she looks a whole lot better than she fucks. She has a pussy like a hippo's yawn and fucking her is like feeding tic-tacs to a whale. The sex is over before it even starts and I settle for a blowjob off of that sweet mouth of hers. The broad is all teeth and I grip the edge of the chair several times before the ordeal is over. She mistakes my grimaces for pleasure and blows even harder. I'm about to call it a wasted fifty bucks when the door flies open and two goons jump in. I reach for my heat on the mantelpiece but I get clubbed at the back of the head before I reach it. A black pool appears at my feet. I dive in and there ain't no bottom.

When I come to, I'm still in my apartment, half naked and strapped to the chair. The hoods have done a number on me and I'm left with two broken fingers and one good eye. I've taken hits before and I can usually handle the pain, it's all part of the job description. Right now though I feel about as sprightly as an amputated leg. My good eye scouts the room, struggling to focus and settles on a glittering mass of gold and white sitting in the corner near the window. She calls out my name and I manage a response. Shit, the bastards have loosened a tooth as well.

I've visited this scene before. The mark wants some kinda revenge, wants to teach me a lesson for having screwed them out of their inheritance or whatever. Never mind the fact that they did that themselves by fucking around. I spit blood and tell her to go to hell. The goons, who have been standing behind me this whole time, blackjack me again and the loose tooth becomes a missing one. I plead with her to put me wise. If I gotta go at least let me enter the darkness with enlightenment. She starts talking and the more she talks the more I know I’m gonna be shortly wrapped up in a wooden overcoat with a one way ticket to Hades. It all comes back to me. She was part of the 1% that wasn’t fucking around. Business was rough so I set up her up and took the cash. The photos, the phone calls, I doctored them for the sake of a lousy extra couple of hundred bucks. Her husband kicked her ass to the kerb and left her with a bag of peanuts and a toothbrush.

I’m about to be a dodo. I ask them to make it quick but the dame ain’t even gonna give me that privilege. They gag me and get to work on me. When the breaths stop coming. My last sensation is of a long chiv across my neck. In New York they call it a Harlem Sunset.

LONDON. Winter 1980

It’s a boy!!!!! We thank God O!

Congratulations Mrs Poyoyo.

Ehn? Ehn? Jesus what is this scar on his throat? Doctor!! Doctor!! Why are his fingers bent like this? And his penis nko? Are these bite marks? E gba mi o! Doctor!!

Madam could I just ask that you remain calm. It is perfectly normal. Many children are born with birthmarks that appear scar-like. His fingers will eventually straighten and the scars on his erm ….penis are just part of the foreskin.

Ah! Okay doctor. Sorry o! It is just that my husband took me to watch that Omen film recently and I am now fearing any scar or anything on my child’s body. My God is a good God o and the Devil is a liar.

Nothing to worry about love. You wouldn’t believe what that film has done for the anxieties of new parents. Have you decided on a name yet?

Yes……..We are calling him Atutu because of the bitter cold he was born in.


catwalq said...

oh my goodness.
Just brilliant.
Standing ovation.
Standing Ovation!!!!

So is the XXXXX still crooked?

Pink-satin said...

you do write wonderfully well!

Yets said...

WOW. I dunno how I even got to this blog (i think it was the name)but I'ms so glad i did!!

I was reading this aloud like one of thos Humphrey Bogart characters in the 50s. I so loooooove those old movies and this really nailed it.

You have a wicked sense of humor and great writing. Please keep them coming!!!

Ekoakete said...

Interesting stuff. Frank Miller had better watch out! I love Sin city btw...

Nyemoni said...

WHOA!!!!! What a post! Just wanted to say thank you for stopping by my space and ONE UNITED!

AIVY said...

thats a james patterson we have right there...

well written

uknaija said...


UndaCovaSista said...

Niiice post! And thanks for stopping by...

Porter deHarqourt said...

loves it. it's almost perfest. the darkness the wit, Miller would be proud !!

i doff my head!

Jaja said...

I cant find my comment.. tot i already dropped one... abi u don delete am?

Great Post!


femme said...

'Entering the darkness with enlightenment'-
Is the phrase yours because i loved the simplicity in its brilliance.
this was well written and the clash of worlds was totally unexpected and jolting.
my only problem is at the end, I'm no less enlightened, is more to be expected? If so, perfect intro.
Well done.

ozaveshe said...

beautiful, beautiful!

encore, i do want to hear more

Anthony Arojojoye said...

Atutupoyoyo.......very funny.
Reminds me of when I was a kid.

You got something very nice going on. Keep at it.

Atutupoyoyo said...

@ catwalq : Babe wy are you asking questions you already know the answer to? Don't let me expose you o!

@ pink : My face has just adopted the colour of your sobriquet. You are too kind.

@ yets: Any fan of Bogie is a friend of mine.

@ ekoakete: Thanks bro but I think Frank Miller can sleep easy for a while

@ nyemoni: Thanks for dropping by. I will be at Wembley tomorrow for the CS.

@ aivy: I love Patterson. He is like a modern day Raymond Chandler. I am not fit to even plug in his laptop but thanks for the compliment.

@ uknaija: Thanks for reading it dude. Your comments are always very appreciated.

@ undacova sista: Thanks for taking the time out to read my scribblings. Much obliged. And update....wanna hear more

@ porter: Another Miller fan I see. Thanks man. We can't have too many in the world o

@ jaja: LOL. Why I go delete am now? Funny enough na so my own post turn into phantom post on top "And as I was saying..." Had to repost too. Maybe na EFCC

@ femme: Yes my dear it is an original atutu phrase o. I share your sentiments about the ending. My endings are always crap! Should I just call this an extended intro then?

@ double o: No worry as femme don suggest e be like say part 2 go show face.

@ anthony: Thanks o my broda. It was a Guilder induced moment of creativity. I'm sure you feel me.

The Law said...

Brilliant. I thought this was a draft of a new Frank Miller piece.


By the way, make sure your boys do the nasty on Chel$ki tomorrow.

And, no, I ain't a Manc.


Bitchy said...

You don't blog often do you... I've read your entire page in one sitting. Only worked out half way through that you're a guy. I'm sloooow! Xx

Jaja said...

Take time off the extremely busy schedule. Update.

Nyemoni said...

ONE UNITED!! Where are you Atutu?

Afolabi said...

"She has a pussy like a hippo's yawn and fucking her is like feeding tic-tacs to a whale". this is one of the best lines I've ever read. It's not the sexual innuendoes oh, it's the way you described her features...

classybabe said...

You went to wembley?oh i am so jealous right now,i wanted to go sha.
That community shield jinx will be broken again this season!


Great writing!!!! Can't believe this is my first time here. Found you through my girl Nyemoni!

diary of a G said...

diary of a g was here

Omodudu said...

next installment>>>

eccentric nana said...

too much sincity, atutu, to much sincity! once again i came late.
love your style. i meant to say...
i gbadun jaree!

Baroque said...

boy, the action, i like..good one...meanwhile, your mama no try, which kind shout she dey shout like that for hospital? :-)

Onome said...

ROLF LMAO.........ATUTU!!!!!!!
That was fantastic...we be needing tips on how to produce write-ups like dis o....LMAO

Teediva said...

you got me roaring with laughter at this one!

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