Wednesday, 12 November 2008

On...... Lagosisms, LASTMA and laid back sloths

Life is nature’s hangover; the splitting headache that it can never quite shake off after a drunken binge. Life is a long hiccup; one that I do not particularly want to cure because death awaits at its end. Lagos life is inconveniently simple and orderly. You kinda know where you stand.

You know that people will not wait for you. You know that they will attempt to fleece you at every turn. You know that bus drivers are worshippers of Beelzebub and are in a hurry to donate their souls to him. You know that the rains will bring with them chaos and excess flooding. You know that you will find excruciating hardships and acute comfort, quite often as intimate strangers. On any given day, there will be at least one unloved, unclaimed and very dead body on the Apapa-Oshodi expressway. Bomb craters will occasionally masquerade themselves as state roads. The unending thrust and momentum of Okada drivers will make the Energiser bunny look like a cannabis smoking sloth. The water hyacinth will be a perennial eyesore and you will wonder where it all comes from and where it all goes. LASTMA will harass the law abiding drivers and turn a blind eye to the reckless ones. You will be the daily recipient of verbal and possibly even physical abuse. Ten minute journeys become one hour excursions. You will begin to suffer from dirt blindness: an affliction that prevents the sufferer from seeing trash and garbage, no matter how vast the quantity. You will hear the words Balende, CMS and Anthony at least fifty times a day.

There is a certain inconvenient order and simplicity to all of that. And I kinda like that.

33 comments:

bumight said...

see, once you know all this, you're good to go!
hope u've adjusted?

geisha.song. said...

re: bumight

p.s. the water hyacinth is SUCH an eyesore.

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...

the case of dirt blindness is sooo true...

this tells me that you're adjusting well Ah22 because you seem to know where you stand...

I confess that i am worried...not that you accepted this inconvenient order... but you actually admit to liking it...hmmm

Danny Bagucci said...

Well.. guess some thinngs are out of your power to influence as an individual.. So rather than get a heart attack or high blood pressure or possibly both.. Do your bit and let the rest go... There's only one Messiah!!!!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

"Life is nature’s hangover; the splitting headache that it can never quite shake off after a drunken binge"-
...and I kinda love that line. Love this piece...you made lagos sound like a mystical land in a nintendo game, with the bomb crater roads and devilish drivers and what not...lol.
Loved it...

Jaycee said...

Seeing "bomb craters" here reminds me of untold stories and the Biafran war! Well, atutu...glad you love the whole inconvenient order, but I doubt there's any simplicity in Lagos! LOLLL...

"Ten minute journeys become one hour excursions"... How so very true...Lagos na WA!!!

AlooFar said...

The only thing that makes me like Lagos is that the city "muses" a creative mind to do creative stuffs... just like this beautiful piece. How are you Sir?

miz-cynic said...

lagos,our lagos.me im saying no 2 excursions n yes 2 my new scooter!yea right!i meant okada

Naapali said...

Atutu!

darkelcee said...

this is lagos, my man.

You know that bus drivers are worshippers of Beelzebub and are in a hurry to donate their souls to him.....cant stop laughing at this.

so which god do the okada drivers worship? those ones prolly have another life in their closet with the way they move around!

Jayjazzy said...

Lagos is a crazy house, people are moving out, more people are coming in, everything is smply crazy... but that the fun and beautiful of this mad town..

Queen of My Castle said...

Are the bus drivers really that bad?! LOL

N.I.M.M.O said...

Ah! The simple complexity of Lagos.

Don't you just love to hate it?

fantasy queen said...

lol'

bArOquE said...

you apparently are seeing the reason why the sign read, THIS IS LAGOS...now they are telling you, welcome to Lagos

Nonesuch said...

welcome back. how are you?

princesa said...

Lol! Whats there to like about inconvenience???

Allied said...

After 400 years, you come back to blogville. How are u?

Hmm, it sounds like u are adjusting well, i would think it is the instinct to survive but i am not so sure since u admit you like it.

Welcome back

rethots said...

...and out of it shall spring forth the future city of Lagos, the pride of the 'great' giant.

Jaja said...

You are laying these things side by side...
inconvenient simple
excruciating hardships and acute comfort

there are other things that look intentionally juxtaposed, but what I want to interrogate is your declaration that you like it. how come? are you just feeling the novelty that newcomers often feel... or the differentness that tourist experience...
Or is it just that you have decided not to whine?

you don't even respond when people ask you things these days.

ablackjamesbond said...

lol @ Jaja...Oya Ah22, answer naa.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Bumight: I have definitely adjusted. I have adjusted so well that I almost killed an Okada driver the other day and felt only regret. Regret that I didn't finish the job.

Geisha: Tell me abt it. Where the hell does it come from sef?

Shubby: LOl. Do not be worried yet my dear. Acceptance is the first step towards change. I have accepted the problem. Change will follow...

Danny B: Exactly. But the things within my power will be changed. Promise.

NDQ: Thanks babe. Lagos is a mystical land like Eldorado or something.

Jaycee: How u dey? Lagos life is very simple because you just know what is going to happen on most days. What greater simplicity is there than that?

Aloofar: I am well sir. You are always over generous with your praise. How goes it?

Miz-cynic: U ain't lying. I know three people who have sold their cars and bought bikes instead. Lagos is no longer for cars.

Naaps: Yes yes I know. Worst brother in the world. Doesnt call. Doesnt write. I am ashamed of myself. But things are getting better and I swear I will surprise u soon. I'm gonna make u so proud big bro. I promise. Tell my sister I love her and awon girls too.

Darkie: It is a well known fact that okada drivers have no souls to speak of. They are empty shells who hold life with a regard most people reserve for creepy crawlies and stuff.

Jay: Wetin we go do with all these immigrants sef? Last time I went to my village there were just thirty people remaining. All the others had moved to Lagos to "make it". I tire o!

The beautiful Queen: The bus drivers have hearts as black as a coalminers ass. There are three attributes in the job ad for a "danfo" driver. Mean. Mean. Mean. Nice guys need not apply.

Nimmo: We definitely love to hate it o. We complain every day but would we trade it for any other city in the world? Hell no! (Well apart from New York maybe which has all Lagos has but nicer shops).

Fantasy: Ol girl i dey wait u o. When we tripping?


Baroque: U not lyin brother. U not lyin.


Nonesuch: Good to be back dearie. I intend to be back more often. I have been a poor blog buddy haven't I?


Princesca: U don shenk me since I come. Call me and I will tell you.


Allied: My alter ego. How u dey na? I am happy to be back so I can go stalking my favourite pages again. Any gist?

Rethots: Ah, the good ol megacity project. I hope I am still alive to see it. It will be such a proud moment for me...or my grandkids.

Jaja: Ol boy wey my phone call? Na me no dey answer abi na u? I hope it is not the newbie factor making me feel this way. After all I never do one year reach, Maybe by then I will just be plain bitter like so many of these Lagosians. Until then I am still enjoying it. How is the south at this time of the year? Have you purchased another jacket yet? The one wey u buy sound like guy jacket, serving little practical purpose.

Double 0: Oya I do answer. Ha!

Onyeka said...

True.. true... but I can't imagine living anywhere else in this country...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Uncle, how now?
Welcome back.

Ms. Catwalq said...

I hereby declare you disowned...!!!!!!

doug said...

"Life is nature’s hangover; the splitting headache that it can never quite shake off after a drunken binge"

Dude...you write tight

bArOquE said...

i want to hear about the okada man, & the unfinished job...i hate them! the other morning, imagine the fool doing sharp u-turn infront of me, i drove straight into him as he was not even smart, he fell with the bike, i jumped out of my car, assessed damages, none, i snapped my fingers at hm & told him he was very lucky, entered my car & drove off, feeling very good with myself...now do tell

Ekoakete said...

Ah! The ol' "Expect nothing you won't be dissapointed" midset. Just what is needed to survive Lagos

guerreiranigeriana said...

...nice...i too hope its not the newcomer film over your eyes, heart, ears, etc making you feel this way...i can't say yet because mine is also always as a tourist, if you will...

femme said...

me too! I love it. sweet dirty lagos... home.
how are you?

Shubby Doo said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR A22

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